A guide to civilisation: an open letter to the British looters

Posted: August 10, 2011 in Opinion

Dear Looter,

I have been watching your performance during the past three days from the comfort of my front room theatre, courtesy of BBC News24, and to be frank I am disappointed. Sticking it to “The Man” could not be more simple and you have made several basic errors:

What he did last summer

Before

1. You’ve got the image all wrong. Hooded tops, child-size bicycles and  baggy pants are so last decade. Smarten up with, at the very least, a shirt. The leaders should wear patterned ties, off white shirts and a thorn proof 2 piece suit. I assume you have some sort of management structure and efficient administrative procedures. Any female members of the leadership team can be a bit more liberal with their work wear, as long as it’s smart and contains no hoop earrings.

2. Try to prioritise your acquisitions, by focusing on prime targets for procurement. Steer away from electrical goods stores, charity shops and ethnically run corner based retail premises. Stealing (looting is such an overused term) is more publically acceptable if it is done electronically via phishing, insider trading, currency speculation or running a bank or motorway service station. This has the added bonus of keeping your public profile low in such times of negative press and police over-exuberance.

3. Don’t damage your future income by burning any possible assets to the ground. These buildings may be affordable (post-Olympic Games of course) and could be useful in any future empire building. Do not burn while others fiddle.

4. Once you have firmly entrenched yourself in your new role, hopefully safely behind closed doors in your new glass tower merely a brick’s throw away from where you used to live, protect yourself from those troublesome “Babylon” by hiring a phalanx of crack lawyers minimalising your chances of prosecution. Hiring subordinates to take the hit when the worst comes to the worst can be beneficial as wells as having a few of “The Man” on side as a bit of unofficial liability insurance.

Good boy

After

Please heed this advice, Mr or Ms Looter. Leave the ordinary, law abiding citizens (both of them) in peace. Put down the bricks and start clicking your way to a fortune. It’s mostly tax free and doesn’t scare the general population and takes marginally less money away from your local community. Violence and vulgar theft are not the answer. We prefer our thieves with a little more class and a little less petrol.

Yours indoors,

Insider Phil

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